Learned Helplessness

In a forest with old, tall, and thick trees, JD is running around frantically. Even though the sun hasn’t fully set yet, the tall dense forest makes it so not much light is coming in. Yet JD is determinedly making his way between the trees despite the darkness, with his heart hammering and his breathing shallow and rapid. He would stop every now and then and he would gaze around wide eyed in desperation. He’s dressed in jeans with only a t-shirt, and the cold December air pierces his skin and causes his hairs to stand on end. His attention is too preoccupied to notice how cold he is though, and how his breath is coming out in a white mist. In his mind, he knows he’s close, he could sense it. He continues running and almost stumbles over some tree roots. Eventually, he sees a figure up ahead wearing black robes slowly walking on beyond the trees as though without a care in the world. JD lets out a sigh of relief and longing.

“Hey!” JD calls out to him.

The robed man ignores him and keeps walking on. The elation that JD had started to feel was dissolving as though somebody had pulled out a drainage plug.

JD runs as fast as he could up to the man and calls out again, even louder, “Hey! Answer me please!”

The man stops and slowly turns around. They gaze at each other for a while. JD is ecstatic while the man looks at him passively.

“I found you! I knew this would be the spot!” said JD, his voice shaking with jubilation. “Is this how you actually look like?”

“No,” said the robed man in a flat voice. “I’m just taking this form temporarily,”

“Of course…of course,” says JD. “You know, now that I can finally talk to you, there’s a lot I want to ask you.”

The robed man stares at JD and then slowly folds his arms. “What do you want to know?”

“It’s about the signs you’ve been leaving for me. I feel quite certain most of the time on what they mean and what I must do. But other times I feel conflicted in your messages. I was hoping to get some clear answers.”

“What’s conflicting?”

“One day someone on TV might say the words ‘You’re on the right path,’ and I know it's you giving me words of encouragement that I’m doing things right. But the day after I read the words ‘keep trying’ on a billboard and I’m wondering what I did wrong. Was I rude to someone without realizing? Did I forget an obligation? It drives me crazy trying to figure it out.”

“Have you told anybody else about these messages?”

“No, of course not! This is just between us.”

The robed man stares at him with a blank face for a few moments before answering. “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you what those messages mean.”

“Why not?” asks JD, suddenly becoming distressed. “Why can’t you be straightforward and tell me what you want from me?”

“They’re there for you to figure out.”

“How am I supposed to figure out something so confusing?” asks JD, his voice rising. “I thought you wanted to help me! I thought you were on my side!”

They stare into each other’s eyes. JD is confused and hurt; The robed man is still passive faced but has the tiniest hints of a smirk.

“Don’t tell me you’re actually the devil,” says JD in a weak voice.

“You dare call me the devil?” whispers the robed man.

“I didn’t mean that! It’s just that…sometimes…I don’t know…”

JD holds his head and drops to his knees. He begins to experience confusion and his head begins to hurt. He looks up but the man is gone. JD lets out a groan and lies on the forest ground in defeat. He stares ahead of him at the trees beyond without really seeing them. He knows he should get up and go home, but the emotional turmoil of the last few hours, and his splitting headache keep him lying there. He’s unaware of how long he lay there, but exhaustion eventually overtakes him, and he begins to drift off….

*

JD then awakens on a hospital bed. For a moment he’s confused, and then he quickly sits up as though he had received an electric shock. Another man sitting in a chair beside his bed gets quickly to his feet.

“Oh, you’re awake,” says RD with relief. “Take it easy! It’s all right, you can lay back down.”

“What am I doing here?” asks JD.

“You were found on the forest ground asleep by some park goers; your body temperature was low. An ambulance came and got you. They were able to get a hold of me from your phone. I’m just glad you’re all right.”

JD sinks back lower. “Damn, had I really fallen asleep there? I didn’t intend that.”

“What were you doing out there in the first place?” asks RD tentatively.

JD doesn’t reply but looks somberly at RD.

“Look, I’m your brother,” says RD in a stronger voice, “I know something is up. You’ve been acting odd and more quiet than usual. This isn’t the first time you’ve mysteriously gone somewhere for a long time without explanation.”

“I can’t tell you about it,” says JD, “or anybody for that matter.”

“Why’s that?”

“I can’t show people how truly helpless and lost I am. Besides, it’s not like you would understand anyways.”

“What won’t I understand? You’ve always been this way since we were kids. Always secretive and hiding your problems. And I don’t blame you because of the way we were raised. But we must change that now. I know mom and dad weren’t inviting about communication, but you can talk to me.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“I know it isn’t. But you have to take that step and open up. You’re clearly in trouble. How do you think I would’ve felt if you had died of hypothermia out there? It’s lucky you were found.”

JD and RD look at each other. Then RD says in a gentler voice, “you know despite everything I’ve always had your back.”

JD begins to contemplate. It wasn’t easy to talk about, but his brother was right. What if he wasn’t found? That might’ve been the end. It was time to break the silence. He looks up at RD and says “All right, I’ll tell you. I met God in the forest last night.”

“What?” asks RD, squinting forward as though he wasn’t sure he heard correctly.

“Yeah, he’s been communicating with me for a while now. I saw him for the first time yesterday.”

JD trails off uncomfortably and stops talking, and then looks down at his knees.

RD stares at him wide eyed and full of concern. “I’m glad you told me about this. The first step is always the hardest. Let me get the doctor and you can tell us in more detail. Everything will be all right...”